Jim Succulent writes…

“Stop the presses, gird your loins, hold your horses and prepare for lift-off, the world’s most exclusive winery is back. Winemaking ignoramus Chris Hambleton has once again pulled off a triumphant coup de grapes and produced what he terms the ‘least wasp-eaten vintage’ he has ever made. Followers of this bungling fool of a vigneron may remember the apparently ill-advised vineyard move of 2014 UK Drinks Forums: World’s most exclusive vineyard in groundbreaking transplant operation which almost caused disaster, especially following the disgraceful industrial espionage and subsequent sabotage of the Pinot Noir vine by one M Haisma. The good news for anyone who likes low alcohol wines that smell strongly of floral perfume is that the Siegerebe has, as Hambleton puts it, ‘gone mental’.

Hambleton’s insistence on completely ignoring the vine and allowing it to run riot has resulted in a record crop of grapes that are all totally different sizes and in some case colours. Veraison happened at some point in the summer (possibly when he was in LA getting drunk with Julian) and overall grape ripeness was determined by his very own method. Eschewing the traditional methods of testing for sweetness he relies instead on the ‘black and yellow bastard test’ which is when the wasps take a fancy to the crop such that the crop is in danger of being consumed. The test was refined after the 2010 vintage when it backfired, leaving only enough grapes to pick out the numbers 2010 in very small numerals.

With such fine berries to work with, it was decided that an upgrade to the winery equipment was required (although this may have more to do with the fact that the lid to the plastic fermenting tub is now nowhere to be found, which may or may not have anything to do with his wife being fed up of the kitchen being turned into a winery.) Anyhow, the big news is that fermentation of this vintage will be the first to take place in stainless steel. The fact that this is in fact a pot still fermenter not a fermentation tank should not, according to Hambleton, be an issue because if it all goes wrong then he plans on an even more ambitious project – the worlds most exclusive vineyard’s brandy, which can conveniently be made by putting the whole thing on the stove.

The Beaver Barrel ageing regime mentioned in the thread above has yet to bear fruit as the Siegerebe has ‘high-toned floral notes and delicate peach nuances’ according to someone who is perhaps a touch too flowery with their language and would not suit the intense flavour imparted by such a small, artisan receptacle so we must wait until the rather pathetic weed of a pinot noir which is now growing in the ‘next to the vegetable patch’ plot gets around to actually producing some fruit according to Hambleton.

The production methods do however remain the same and I am pleased to give you a timeline of production, surely a world record for the fastest vine to tank process. The harvest began at 16.36 local time when it stopped raining. Harvest was complete by 16.48 with a short pause for swearing at wasps. The grapes were then taken to the sorting (kitchen) table and the careful process of individually removing each berry commenced. This attention to details includes the patented FEARSAWLR sorting process (this stands for F***ing Earwig, Snail and Woodlouse Removal) There were no ladybirds present and no insects were killed during this process, although their feelings may have been hurt by some of the language used.

Finally the insect-free grapes were hand pressed before the lid was put on the contraption and it was installed in the traditional corner of the kitchen fermenting area. Anticipated yields are, as ever, incredibly low being as they are 2 litres per hectare. Bottling will be into 5cl bottles made of diamond with platinum labels engraved with an earwig fighting a wasp. The waiting list is legendary and rumour has it that Donald trump is considering jumping off the wagon just to try some.

Having been allowed to taste a couple of the grapes I am already 3.63 million points on that.